Baird in Space...Iowa's Ugliest Sports Blog

When hunger strikes, reach for a Chinese Buffet. At 12:02 PM on Friday, I arrived at the Asia (I like Asian better) City Buffett nestled between a Goodwill and CiCi's Pizza on Des Moines' ~~scenic~~ shithole Southside.

12:05: Hostess/Waitress/English Speaker guides me to my private booth. I have a copy of the Des Moines Register and since I have no friends I am eating alone. I'm placed in the middle section which about five or six other losers eating alone on a glorious Friday afternoon.

12:06: The waitress, rocking her off-white American Eagle t-shirt that I'm sure came from next door, takes my order of a water. I'm not quite sure why the buffet powers that be won't let the customer get his own drink at ANY buffet. Christ, I have to get up and get my damn food, I can handle getting a Fresca too.

12:07: First Trip through the buffet line: A few pieces of sweet and sour chicken, two egg rolls, black pepper chicken, sesame chicken, covered with fried rice. I also get a bowl of sweet and sour for my dipping pleasure. I noticed several novelty food items such: a clearly frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, and macaroni and cheese. Even for me the mac and cheese looked nasty. I walked by the salad bar on the way to my booth and laugh. What fool goes to the Chinese buffet for a fucking salad?

12:13: The fun begins...watching the dirtballs go through the buffet line. I purposely position myself facing directly at the buffet to keep a keen eye on the clientele. A couple random old ladies hit up the buffet line and partake in no noticeable behavior that sounds out. One looks like an old lady I used to work with named Pat Reilly. Is there a better name for an old lady than Pat Reilly. God I miss the big Oil Slick.

12:20: I'm about half way through my first plate and I am surprised by the taste of freshness in the food. ALL Chinese buffets (with the exception of the now defunct Mandarin on Beaver Ave.) are exactly the same. It's just a matter of choosing the ones where food is not under heatlamps all day. That is why you NEVER eat at a Chinese buffet from 2 PM- 5 PM.

12:22: Our first buffet freak show of the day. It's Southside mom along with her son out for a lunch date. Mom is sporting a light blue "Big Barn Harley Davidson" shirt and some real real tight jeans. She has several visible tats including some tribal things on her wrist. I put Mom at 5'4, 225 lbs. Her son, probably about 10, is on the cusp of fashion trendiness. He is wearing a blue and red Hawaiian shirt, gray track pants with a green racin' stripe, and Drew Carey thick-ass glasses. For some reason this damn kid cannot get his own food and has to walk around with mom while she heaps on his plate. Kid comes in at 5'1 and a solid 170 lbs. The kid is a lock to brew meth in a trailer park by Southride Mall.

12:25: In a rare buffet move, coming from the bathroom to the buffet line is Dad of the above mentioned Mom and Kid....and Dad is a real doozie. He is wearing jean shorts and a straight up gray t-shirt. He has really really dirty long hair. You can just look at this tool and smell the BO on him. Dad weighs in at 5'9 330 lbs. No joke. Dad clearly is going with an appetizer plate to start things out. 5 eggrolls and 7-10 crab ragoons on a plate. No bullshit. Respect.

12:30: Three illegals still wearing their reflective vests from roadwork stumble through the line. They actually do stink. I don't think they have eaten since crossing the border and devour the buffet.

12:35: I go up for Round 2. Round 1 worked great for me and I don't want to risk messing up a good thing. I repeat exactly Round 1 with much smaller portions.

12:40: We are experiencing the theory of diminishing returns as my food utility is starting to decrease with every bite. What is the opportunity cost for me still eating?

12:45: Next I notice a large portly fellow dressed very nice who was sitting behind me reading the paper as well. He is loading up his plate with authority when I recognize his face. I've seen this guy somewhere at work and then it hits me. It's Secretary of Agriculture and potential Republican Gubernatorial candidate Bill Northey. Northey is a pretty powerful dude around the Statehouse. I was surprised to see someone with real political pull at a dirty China restaurant and not some trendy East Village bullshit sushi place or gay bar. Thanks for keeping it real Bill.

12:46: I'm stuffed. In honor of Mike Degner, I get a huge plate of ice cream and take one bite and leave.

Hostess/Waitress/English Speaker guides me to my private booth. I have a copy of the Des Moines Register and since I have no friends I am eating alone. I'm placed in the middle section which about five or six other losers eating alone on a glorious Friday afternoon.

We are back. Baird in Space has returned from its mission from Mars. I have end my "busy season" of work which included me taking "Costanza's" under my desk for a few hours early Saturday and Sunday morning. It all ended at 5:30 AM on Sunday morning. Try doing detailed analysis at 4 AM. It ain't cool. So, I'm going to try to make up for some lost time here and put forth some good-faith efforts to win back our reader. Here are a few things that happened while work was giving me the business.

Joe Mauer has the Swine Flu: Maybe he has been f*cking pulled pork sandwiches instead of Miss America these days, but the guy has been on the shelf for months. There is something the Twins' Brass isn't telling us because no 25 year old should be out that long with a bad back. 40 year old Larry Bird laying on the sidelines thinks that's ridiculous.

Danny goes on another skiing adventure: This time, the man who put the Quad City DJs on the map headed out to the land that his given us Trey Parker and Tim Allen (thanks Wikipedia) for a solo ski trip. I can picture Danny at some trend bar in Asssssspen, sipping a single-barrel malt whiskey, rocking out to Nugent on the jukebox, and playing Silver Strike. Did you valet that POS car of yours Mr. Rose?

Podolak is BACK!!!!! Pode has quit taking drunken pictures with CO-EDs and sobered up....allegedly. I can't imagine listening to Hawkeye football without the detailed, unbiased work of the man who once passed out on the Pentacrest. Poke has played his cards perfectly in the game of life.

Quick Hits:

Marty Tirrell got canned for dropping F-Bombs on the air.

D. Strawberry claimed to have sex with over 1,000 women. Shawn Kemp calls that March 1996.

Turns out Eilertson was not the Craiglist Killer despite widespread speculation.

The Gays are coming!! The Gays are coming!!