Breaking News: Freak Accident takes down Rose

Black Hills, SD – Skiing Aficionado and extreme sports enthusiast Danny Rose had a run-in with death during a ski expedition in the wild wild west. Rose had a horrific skiing crash at the Ted Nugent Outdoor Adventure Park. Rose had just went down the Bunny Hill all by himself when he thought he would give the park’s Black Diamond slope, Stranglehold a shot. He failed to realize the brut strength and power of all things related to Ted Nugent and crashed within seconds hurting his shoulder.

“It’s nothing a little Jim Beam can’t heal,” a shaken Danny Rose told friends on a conference call from the town bar.

Rose, 26 is best known for napping and drinking. Recently he has been trying to broaden his horizons by trying new things like skiing and employment.

Back in the Saddle Again

Baird in Space has returned. It’s been damn near 9 months since my last post. With the untimely passing of Ben Baird, it didn’t seem right to continue without one of the 1000s five Baird in Space devoted readers. It is no longer “too soon”. The legacy of the “scum of the Earth” must be preserved through half ass sports blogging on company time. What have we missed since our last posting-

Twins lose a one game playoff to the White Sux.

Baby Mangino

Cedar Rapids gets shit canned by the river

Lurch wins seven Golds in Great Wall Games (see above photo)

That’s about it.

People I would like to Punch in the Face: Ed Hightower

This guy has haunted my dreams for years. So many times, Mr. Hightower has royally screwed over the Hawkeyes since he has a lifetime contract to referree 90% of all games involving Iowa. True Hawkeye fans cringe at the mere mention of "Hightower" like it is a plague. Curses and boos bounce off the walls of Carver-Hawkeye the second Hightower enters the building. Fans at the game, home, drinking establishments all know that horrible charge calls or unneeded conferences between players are in store. Apparently, this guy's real job is a superintendent at a school district in Illinois (go figure).

Occasionally, while breifly away from the Hawks, Hightower will ref a UNI or NCAA tournament game that I have a vested interest in and totally fuck my team. As part of a sick twisted inside joke, announcing teams will reference Hightower as "one of the best officals in the country" at least once during every game. This usually occurs after Hightower visits the scorer's table to sort out a non-existant problem.

It's time to hang it up Ed and focus on the education of the poor and stupid kids in Illinois before you get punched in the face.

Frey joins Historic, Exclusive, Select, Elite, Celebrated Club

Des Moines, IA- West Des Moines socialite Josh Frey joined an exclusive fraternity on March 17, when he joined Silver Strike's 7-10 Club. The historic moment occur ed at a St. Patrick's Day celebration at Maddy's Pub in Valley Junction. "It felt great. To join a club with the likes of Lurch and Brandstatter makes it all the more spectacular. I'm just happy to be there." Frey commented between gloating phone calls.

Coincidentally, Brandstatter's 7-10 initiation occurred on St. Patrick's Day 2007 at The Smokey Original Legends. Brandstatter is also the reigning Silver Strike Invitation champion.

7-10 Club occurs when a bowler in the Silver Strike video game picks up the most difficult spare in the game. Every bowler covets the opportunity to join, but few have the chance. Unlike other Silver Strike accomplishments, like bowling a 235 or 6 strikes in a row, there is a club to join. No such club exists for these small achievements.

"It's garbage. It's a stupid club. I would much rather bowl a 235," said BIS favorite Danny Rose as he fought back tears. Rose has been on the club's waiting list for years, but has failed to convert in the clutch. Routinely his jealousy of members overwhelms him.

Tampa Des Moines to Tulsa

Des Moines, IA- Danny Rose recently confirmed a planned golfing excursion to Tulsa, OK. Accompanying him will be long time friend and former University of Northern Iowa golf “stand-out” Nick Eilertson. Rose and Eilertson plan to depart from Des Moines on Saturday and return Wednesday. The trip coincides with Eilertson’s spring break from University of Iowa Dental School.

Meeting the two in Tulsa will be Darren Kieschnick and his brother Brian both residents of Abilene, TX. Rose fully expects a good time. “The four of us are staying in a shitty hotel. I expect to get fully huggins and play golf. I haven’t seen Darren’s penis in awhile, so I’m really looking forward to that,” Rose told a BIS correspondent.

Kieschnick is best known for such penis tricks as the wrist watch, hamburger, vacuum, growing head, ball punch, and radar.

The timing of the trip is very conspicuous. Rose is entering his third week of unemployment and no job prospects appear on the horizon. Sources claim that he is demanding a minority stake in overseas operations of his next company. Naturally he has not received such an offer.

Eilertson, the former MVC Academic All-American, has fallen upon tough times . He is fresh off losing $300 at Riverside Golf Resort and Casino in Riverside, IA on Saturday. Recently, Eilertson also failed his dental boards and has just regained full driving privileges after losing them for months. “I’ve had my share of issues, but Culver’s is always there for me. At least I don’t shop at Man Express,” Eilerston said.

Express for Men does not carry XXXL clothing.

BIS is unaware of where the foursome will be golfing, but will ask Danny today at lunch. Expect lots of full-frontal male nudity, fat jokes, swearing, drinking, tan lines, and decent golf.

Very True E-Card

2008 Twins Position Breakdown

It’s a transition year for the Twins in an unforgiving AL Central. It could be a battle for basement with Kansas City. I’m penciling them in for 73 wins. Here’s a position breakdown. Clearly management is focusing on opening day 2010.

C, Joe Mauer- For a guy who won the AL batting title in 2006, he hasn’t done shit. Mauer can hit for average and walk and that’s about it. Neither do much good when no one is on base. The 2 hole (perverts) could be a good fit for him.

1B, Justin Morneau- Former AL MVP just broke the bank. Can hit for power, but he can also strikeout a lot. He’s can also smuggle in 222s from his homeland.

2B, Brandon Harris- It’s bad when you are picking up the Devil Rays rejects. Harris attended the Rondell White School of Defense. Alexi Castilla (former CR Kernel) could fill in here.

SS, Adam Everett- He’s coming off an impressive .232 AVG, 2 HR season but has a good glove. Everett is a perfect Twin.

3B, Mike Lamb- The OTHER Astros scrub. If there is a positive, the guy can hit lefties.

OF, Delmon Young- Thug it up baby. This is a spectacular pick-up and he could pick up the worst offense in the AL. DY has power, 25 HRs wouldn’t be too much to ask.

OF, Hot C Cuddyer- He got paid too. Hawk Harrelson has a mancrush on him. Solid OF with a solid arm.

OF, Carlos Gomez- This guy moves faster than AIDS at a San Francisco bathhouse. Great glove, verdict is still out on the bat.

DH, Craig Monroe, Jason Kuballs- Well, I guess it’s better than the DH Platoon of Shannon Stewart and Matthew LeFat.

BENCH- Little Nicky Punto and Reddog!!!


ROTATION:

SP, Scott Baker- He had some moments last year, but he’s far from an opening day starter.

SP, Boof Bosner- This guy has the body-type of David Wells. He can eat innings like Eilertson eats children, but will give up some plenty of base hits.

SP, Kevin Slowey- Yet another prized Twinkies prospect. Still a year or two away from being consistent.

SP, Livan Hernandez- Silva at $48 mil for 4 years, or Hernandez at $5 mil for 1? He’s only 34 years old…allegedly. If he can get to 200 IP, it’s a good pick up.

SP, Francisco Liriano- He’s scheduled to pitch Friday. I’m predicting the Dominican version of Kerry Wood.

CP, Joe Nathan- Good, damn good. The question is how many save opportunities will he get. Look for Natedogg to get dealt at the break.

Rat Race

The Gospel According to Will Leitch

I was going to clip a few interesting points from this article, but it's too damn good. Read my friends and spread the word of deadspin. If you aren't visiting deadspin at least twice a day, you are in the wrong.

It surprised many that, according to ESPN's metrics, the most commonly searched term on their site for the month of February was "Greatest Highlight." This registers as a surprise because, well, the "Greatest Highlight" basically consists of our man Berman deux deux deuxing his way through ruining some of the greatest calls of our lifetime. All for the sake of Old Spice and other smiling sponsors. Sports fans like this? Really?

No, no they don't. When you consider that "Greatest Highlight" has been on every "SportsCenter" for a month, it would be a rather resounding failure for it not to show up somewhere. In our view, this is the same reason "Who's Now?" was the top searched term of 2007. We've discussed this before, but it warrants repeating:

ESPN is a corporation. As a corporation, their goal is to grow and make money. There is no crime in this; this is not an art project. But as most sports fans can tell you, even those of us who grow exhausted of the "Greatest Highlight" and "Who's Now" antics watch ESPN all the time. There is no viable competitor; if you're a sports fan who doesn't watch ESPN, you're really not much of a sports fan.

ESPN knows this. They know they have you; you aren't going anywhere. Because of this, they do not need to cater to you. To grow, they must bring in new viewers, people who are more casual sports fans, people who are more drawn in by the shiny objects of "controversy" and Dick Vitale. They're the ones who might think, hey ... I AM curious about how the world of sports intersects with the world of Hollywood! They are the new viewers; they are the people who discovered Nirvana way too late and ruined everything. (Note: We are one of these people, at least when it comes to Nirvana.) They are exactly the type of people who keep Chris Berman in our faces every night. And they're exactly the type of people who love the "Greatest Highlight;" people who, really, don't actually like sports that much.

So that's why, in our humble opinion, "Greatest Highlight" is the most searched term on ESPN.com. That, or the world is fucking collapsing all around us. Could be that.

I now realize that I also contributed to the downfall of Nirvana. Cobain, he gone.

Felix Pie has the Twisty Balls

Iowa Cubs fan may have to wait a while before Felix Pie (pronounced like the dessert) gets sent down. I'm taking this right for the cubs.com-

...outfielder Felix Pie missed a couple of days early because of a twisted testicle.

To paraphrase from Curb Your Enthusiasm's Leon Black, Pie must have some long ass balls.

Memo to Chip Carey: Speed does slump when your balls are in a knot.

(Lady) Wolverines!!!!!

2/29/08 Thought of the Week

JEFF WRITES:

What up all, its Leap Day so let's get this party started. I pulled a Klappholz style jinx yesterday saying it wasn't snowing or super cold for once this winter...then we got another 3 inches....ridiculous. On to a rare February 29th edition of the thought.

To the surprise of none, an FBI investigation into Roger Clemens has begun. Do you think Clemens has actually convinced himself he is telling the truth? Because he obviously is not. The FBI is going to tear him apart and I am going to love every second. Enough about that though, because spring training has officially begun. I love how random college teams get to play major league teams early on. It's like the Florida Marlins split squad vs. Boston College. Who wouldn't pay to see that one? I assume the college teams use wooden bats in those games...hmm, what a concept! And speaking of jinxing, Tim Kurkjian picked the Cubs as the team to beat in the Central yesterday, great!

Tomorrow is March 1, and that means March Madness is only a few weeks away. Drake followed up that impressive win at Butler with a loss at SMS (I refuse to call them Missouri State). What's up with schools changing their names anyways?? Can you imagine if UNI all of a sudden changed their name to Iowa A&M or something? I will try going 4-0 at Iowa games this season tomorrow as we host Illinois. Losing at Penn State by one the other night was just flat out embarrassing. And thanks Big Ten Network for ruining the whole basketball season.

Random comment....A quick glance at cnn.com this morning showed this headline "Saddam Hussein cousin to be killed by March 28". Nothing like having a death deadline fall on your birthday. By the way, my birthday is on a Friday this year so it could get pretty binions. Mark your calendars...

That is about all I have for this week. It has been one of the busiest weeks of all time. Tonight should be fun as Frey and recently jobless man Danny come to CR for a night of drinking. I hear OWEilertson is in on the party as well. Beware the drunken phone call tonight. Good day.

JOE WRITES:

Leap Day....YES! Who was the idiot who put Leap Day in February? Is there a worse month than February: no good sports, horrendous weather, Black History. Leap year should be in September or October and maybe we could garb another Saturday of college football.

Roger Clemens took steroids. Save us from this boring story and just admit what everyone is already assuming and fess up. This is going to drag on forever and I really don't care that much anymore. The court of public opinion has spoken. The Twins started out Spring Training with a 6-1 defeating and seating the tone of another offense stricken season. Possibly the best part of Spring Training is the semi-star who blows out his knee or tears his MCL and is shot for the year. I'm predicting Miguel Tejada, Ken Griffey (it's time to drop the Jr), and Kyle "The Farns" Farnsworth serious injuries.

I'm ready for the Madness and I am prepared by taking 1/2 of Thursday and ALL of Friday off work. I also am taking Opening Day off. I take a lot of vacation because I get a lot of vacation. Drake is playing their way into a 12 seed. Just a couple weeks ago, the powers that be projected them as a 3 seed. Drake needs to win against Witchatard Saturday and they should be in. The Eric Coleman Era ended at UNI with a win against the Sycamores. He will be best remembered for his power rebounds with no one around him. EC proved that learning to use your off hand is a total waste of time if you are left handed. We were good friends in Baseball Theory class. I'm reconsidering my stance on BTN because I don't know if I would want to watch Iowa. You are correct about SMS. UNI should take a page from Georgia Southern and become Iowa Northern.

My calendar is marked for the birthday bash. I hear a posse is rolling up to CR which means three things: 3rd on 1st, Silver Strike, and Lumberyard. Rox and Pam are coming to visit me Saturday so I'm going to stay back. I'm sure it will be binions.

KLAPPHOLZ WRITES:

I hate lead day because I get paid twice a month. Today means a free day for Centro. I should get an extra day of vacation for this.

I don't want to talk about Roger Clemens anymore. Yes, baseball will be here shortly. It should be a good thing when the season actually starts. The Cubs should be alright. I think they will win it all this year. My injured players are Kerry Wood, David Wright and Bartelo Colon. We have got to plan a game to go to soon.

The tourney is about to start. Did you see that Memphis game last week? Tyler Smith basically won that game for them in the last minutes. Also the refs kind of hosed Memphis. I like the chances for North Carolina and Memphis to go pretty far in the tournament. I have not watched as much basketball this year as I would of thought.

Lurch, NO ONE SLEEPS IN MY BED TONIGHT. PLEASE. When is the birthday bash. I will be back in Iowa for a couple of days next week for the big guys retirement. I will be home by Wednesday at 12:00 then not flying back until Sunday morning. Hopefully it will not snow for a day and it won't be that bad. Have fun living it up in CR tonight. What happened to Danny's job? Did he get fired?

OUT

ROSE CALLS IT QUITS

Des Moines, IA- Baird in Space (BIS) has learned that Danny Rose unexpectedly resigned from his position at Wells Fargo Home Mortgage on Monday. “Both Wells Fargo and I had different expectations of the future and decided to part ways. I have the upmost respect for the company and wish them well in future endeavors ,” Rose commented. Wells Fargo was not immediately available for comment. Rose served as a Loan Officer for two years prior to his resignation.

Sources close to Rose confirmed that the end was near on Saturday night during a conversation at the Court Ave Brewery. Speculation had run rampant throughout various sources that Rose had lost his passion for the job and was spending most of his day surfing the internet blogs and emailing close friends about trivial topics. “During the last month on the job, I just wanted to pull a Chris Berman and swear at all the fucking idiots around me. Jesus,” said Rose.

Rose plans to spend the next few weeks to relax. Rose says he expects to sleep, watch sports, and frequent the Loft and West Des Moines Public Library. Unnamed sources have linked Rose to job opportunities at Alltel Wireless, Quad City DJs and Fitness Made Simple.

We haven’t seen the last of Danny Rose.

Bill Belichick is back in business!!

Somewhere between weird and funny.

WNBA - featuring slow breaks and missed layups.

Sweet Dreams are made of FUCKHEADS?

Just when you thought the Chris Berman mania was quieting down, Lurch goes out and has a dream about it:

Anyways, the main reason I was emailing was I had to tell you about a dream I had the other night. You and I were going to watch the Olympics in an arena?? Not even sure what olympic sport or where. However, as we were walking in we spotted Chris Berman. Out of nowhere I just blurted out Deux, deux, deux super loud. Berman heard it and turned around and started getting super mad at us. I like crumbled under the heat and started sucking up saying how great Berman was...a little disappointing. It was pretty hilarious though, thought you might find that funny.

Andy Frey is Dale Earnhardt Jr.

In the Spirit of Daytoner, I must ask the age old question.






Dale or Andy, I'm so confused!!

Thought of the Week 2/15/08

JOE WRITES:
You're right, I'm real important. Except I'm not. The group I presented to had donuts, which is nice. Exciting times for TOTW as we go global. Yes, I've decided to start blogging crap online. All TOTW activities will be posted at BairdinSpace.blogspot.com. Dumb name, but it is a healthy alternative to working.

Iowa pulled an Iowa last night by blowing a 11 point half-time lead to Michigan. I've said it before, but Iowa is still intimidated by the Chris Webber glory days. Seriously Iowa? Just when I think the tide has turned, you go and do something stupid like lose to Michigan at home. Drake's hot streak is over after doing what is expected; losing at Southern Illinois. Last I saw Bracketology had them projected as a 3 seed. I'm guess a few more losses are in store and they will end up a 6. Does Iowa State even play basketball anymore?

Clemens testified in front of Congress this week and it was very very boring. Nothing like watching to losers in a "he said/he said" argument between to cheating losers. Speaking of losers, Kelvin Sampson. I hope you get fired and the golden boy Steve Alford and his hair get the invite back to Bloomington

Pitchers and catchers have reported which is a good sign of spring. Only about six weeks to opening day. I'm ready and have already taken 3/31 off of work to celebrate arguably my favorite day in sports. It's the one day a year the Devil Rays rrrrrrrrrr Rays are in first. Seriously, the Devil Rays are known as the Rays now. Were the names Walters and Richards already taken? Ryan "The Dumpster" Dempster has boldly predicted the Cubs to win the Series. Yes, the Cubs are an above average to good team, but as a Cubs player you should probably avoid statements like that. Especially when you have developed "the fat one" pitch over the past year.

The State wrassslin tournament has begun this week in Des Moines and girls bball/boys bball is the next two weeks. What this means to me is to expect idiot drivers from Audabon County who don't know where they are going or what the hell a "lane" is. Partially because of the large amount of paint for "Pin'um Johnny" on the back windshield, but mostly because the Ford Windstar doesn't handle like the John Deere combine. Same crap happens in Cedar Rapids with the volleyball clowns. It's annoying.

war going to Drake UNI Saturday afternoon and pre-gaming at the OP.
war a road trip to Canada for some 222s

JEFF WRITES
Wow, taking the TOTW global...I am impressed. Now anyone and everyone can hear the meaningless things we talk about weekly, spectacular! Anything with alternative to working in the sentence is fine by me.

I made the mistake of assuming Iowa had the game in the proverbial bag last night after they jumped out to like a 22-7 lead or something. I should have known better. Michigan put up a 44 spot in the second half, wtf? Iowa has held teams to that total for an entire game this year. How can we beat Michigan at their place by like 10, but then lose at home?? Only the Hawkeyes. I think Iowa State forfeited the rest of their games this year...haven't heard a thing about them. Drake finally lost a game, impressive streak though. I could see them losing the close games they have been lucking out on all year down the stretch and getting a 7 seed or something.

It was fun seeing Clemens get grilled by some of the Congressman. Of course some of them took the I'm a fan route and made dumb comments like which jersey will he wear in the hall of fame??? I have no reason to believe Clemens, the evidence keeps piling up against him. McNamee is pretty shady himself though. I love how the Kelvin Sampson news came out the same day as the Congressional hearing, way to try and slip that one past us Indiana. It would be fun to boo Alfraud once every year in person.

Ah yes, baseball season is fast approaching. Dempster pulled a Carlos Zambrano and predicted a World Series title...dumb. Nothing like jinxing the season before it begins, thanks Ryan. Not sure how moving Dempster back into the rotation is a good thing either?? I would rather have Livan Hernandez, hahaha. Sounds like Frank Liriano is having some problems getting into the country, that could pose a problem. Maybe he shouldn't have got an O-dub once upon a time. 3/31 is definitely marked down on the calendar, can't wait.

State wrestling tournament AKA time for high school kids to skip out on class and do some underage drinking. It's amazing how many stories across the board I've heard from people about drinking during state wrestling. I feel sorry for you having to deal with Mr. and Mrs. Hick who drive in from the sticks to see their 4th son wrestle. Who is taking care of the farms this week? I would stay many miles away from the Wells Fargo Arena this week.

war Chris Berman's "image" getting shot down daily
war the Bears picking up Byron Fatwich to back up Kyle Orton next year

Late!

KLAPPHOLZ WRITES

Nice job talking in front of the doughnuts. I am getting ready for a Friday afternoon meeting that is fun for all.

I would not know what Iowa basketball looks like. One game, that is all I have seen. Drake will not be a 3 seed. People love to say Dr. Tom Davis's name. At least one team from Iowa will be going to the big dance.

Clemens looked bad, and I think that Barry bonds greatest Christmas present was the Mitchell Report. If it was not for this the media would still probably be talking about him. Where is Chuck Knoblauch? He is missing for life. Sampson is an idiot. Looks like he is going to get the hook. Back comes Bob Knight? That would be sweet.

Baseball is starting back up. Yeah., go Cubs go. That would be awesome it Fukodome was any good. I cannot wait to start watching baseball again. Looks like I should be home around opening day which means I will not miss any Cubs games on WGN.

Well I got to get back after it in this meeting.

OUT

Become a witness to history...

Beginning tomorrow, the world will be exposed to a little something known as the Thought of the Week. TOTW started in February 2005 as a general rotating sports bitchfest between three recent college grads; Jeff, Mike and myself.

Since none of us really work (especially on Fridays), we started rotating topics on a weekly basis. Occasionally we will dab into the political arena or topic of friends blowing, for the most part we are far too shallow to move from the topic of sport.

Has Mike Patrick ever left the eastern seaboard?

The good news is that Patrick has been MIA from ESPN NFL coverage for a few years. The bad news is he still has an exclusive deal with ESPN to do ACC basketball games. Vegas has the over under of Patrick-Vitale handjobs at 3 per game.

Rumblin, Stumblin, JESUS!!!

Boomer is in RARE form.  I'm with leather when it comes to this clip.