People I would like to Punch in the Face: Ed Hightower

This guy has haunted my dreams for years. So many times, Mr. Hightower has royally screwed over the Hawkeyes since he has a lifetime contract to referree 90% of all games involving Iowa. True Hawkeye fans cringe at the mere mention of "Hightower" like it is a plague. Curses and boos bounce off the walls of Carver-Hawkeye the second Hightower enters the building. Fans at the game, home, drinking establishments all know that horrible charge calls or unneeded conferences between players are in store. Apparently, this guy's real job is a superintendent at a school district in Illinois (go figure).

Occasionally, while breifly away from the Hawks, Hightower will ref a UNI or NCAA tournament game that I have a vested interest in and totally fuck my team. As part of a sick twisted inside joke, announcing teams will reference Hightower as "one of the best officals in the country" at least once during every game. This usually occurs after Hightower visits the scorer's table to sort out a non-existant problem.

It's time to hang it up Ed and focus on the education of the poor and stupid kids in Illinois before you get punched in the face.

Frey joins Historic, Exclusive, Select, Elite, Celebrated Club

Des Moines, IA- West Des Moines socialite Josh Frey joined an exclusive fraternity on March 17, when he joined Silver Strike's 7-10 Club. The historic moment occur ed at a St. Patrick's Day celebration at Maddy's Pub in Valley Junction. "It felt great. To join a club with the likes of Lurch and Brandstatter makes it all the more spectacular. I'm just happy to be there." Frey commented between gloating phone calls.

Coincidentally, Brandstatter's 7-10 initiation occurred on St. Patrick's Day 2007 at The Smokey Original Legends. Brandstatter is also the reigning Silver Strike Invitation champion.

7-10 Club occurs when a bowler in the Silver Strike video game picks up the most difficult spare in the game. Every bowler covets the opportunity to join, but few have the chance. Unlike other Silver Strike accomplishments, like bowling a 235 or 6 strikes in a row, there is a club to join. No such club exists for these small achievements.

"It's garbage. It's a stupid club. I would much rather bowl a 235," said BIS favorite Danny Rose as he fought back tears. Rose has been on the club's waiting list for years, but has failed to convert in the clutch. Routinely his jealousy of members overwhelms him.

Tampa Des Moines to Tulsa

Des Moines, IA- Danny Rose recently confirmed a planned golfing excursion to Tulsa, OK. Accompanying him will be long time friend and former University of Northern Iowa golf “stand-out” Nick Eilertson. Rose and Eilertson plan to depart from Des Moines on Saturday and return Wednesday. The trip coincides with Eilertson’s spring break from University of Iowa Dental School.

Meeting the two in Tulsa will be Darren Kieschnick and his brother Brian both residents of Abilene, TX. Rose fully expects a good time. “The four of us are staying in a shitty hotel. I expect to get fully huggins and play golf. I haven’t seen Darren’s penis in awhile, so I’m really looking forward to that,” Rose told a BIS correspondent.

Kieschnick is best known for such penis tricks as the wrist watch, hamburger, vacuum, growing head, ball punch, and radar.

The timing of the trip is very conspicuous. Rose is entering his third week of unemployment and no job prospects appear on the horizon. Sources claim that he is demanding a minority stake in overseas operations of his next company. Naturally he has not received such an offer.

Eilertson, the former MVC Academic All-American, has fallen upon tough times . He is fresh off losing $300 at Riverside Golf Resort and Casino in Riverside, IA on Saturday. Recently, Eilertson also failed his dental boards and has just regained full driving privileges after losing them for months. “I’ve had my share of issues, but Culver’s is always there for me. At least I don’t shop at Man Express,” Eilerston said.

Express for Men does not carry XXXL clothing.

BIS is unaware of where the foursome will be golfing, but will ask Danny today at lunch. Expect lots of full-frontal male nudity, fat jokes, swearing, drinking, tan lines, and decent golf.

Very True E-Card

2008 Twins Position Breakdown

It’s a transition year for the Twins in an unforgiving AL Central. It could be a battle for basement with Kansas City. I’m penciling them in for 73 wins. Here’s a position breakdown. Clearly management is focusing on opening day 2010.

C, Joe Mauer- For a guy who won the AL batting title in 2006, he hasn’t done shit. Mauer can hit for average and walk and that’s about it. Neither do much good when no one is on base. The 2 hole (perverts) could be a good fit for him.

1B, Justin Morneau- Former AL MVP just broke the bank. Can hit for power, but he can also strikeout a lot. He’s can also smuggle in 222s from his homeland.

2B, Brandon Harris- It’s bad when you are picking up the Devil Rays rejects. Harris attended the Rondell White School of Defense. Alexi Castilla (former CR Kernel) could fill in here.

SS, Adam Everett- He’s coming off an impressive .232 AVG, 2 HR season but has a good glove. Everett is a perfect Twin.

3B, Mike Lamb- The OTHER Astros scrub. If there is a positive, the guy can hit lefties.

OF, Delmon Young- Thug it up baby. This is a spectacular pick-up and he could pick up the worst offense in the AL. DY has power, 25 HRs wouldn’t be too much to ask.

OF, Hot C Cuddyer- He got paid too. Hawk Harrelson has a mancrush on him. Solid OF with a solid arm.

OF, Carlos Gomez- This guy moves faster than AIDS at a San Francisco bathhouse. Great glove, verdict is still out on the bat.

DH, Craig Monroe, Jason Kuballs- Well, I guess it’s better than the DH Platoon of Shannon Stewart and Matthew LeFat.

BENCH- Little Nicky Punto and Reddog!!!


ROTATION:

SP, Scott Baker- He had some moments last year, but he’s far from an opening day starter.

SP, Boof Bosner- This guy has the body-type of David Wells. He can eat innings like Eilertson eats children, but will give up some plenty of base hits.

SP, Kevin Slowey- Yet another prized Twinkies prospect. Still a year or two away from being consistent.

SP, Livan Hernandez- Silva at $48 mil for 4 years, or Hernandez at $5 mil for 1? He’s only 34 years old…allegedly. If he can get to 200 IP, it’s a good pick up.

SP, Francisco Liriano- He’s scheduled to pitch Friday. I’m predicting the Dominican version of Kerry Wood.

CP, Joe Nathan- Good, damn good. The question is how many save opportunities will he get. Look for Natedogg to get dealt at the break.

Rat Race

The Gospel According to Will Leitch

I was going to clip a few interesting points from this article, but it's too damn good. Read my friends and spread the word of deadspin. If you aren't visiting deadspin at least twice a day, you are in the wrong.

It surprised many that, according to ESPN's metrics, the most commonly searched term on their site for the month of February was "Greatest Highlight." This registers as a surprise because, well, the "Greatest Highlight" basically consists of our man Berman deux deux deuxing his way through ruining some of the greatest calls of our lifetime. All for the sake of Old Spice and other smiling sponsors. Sports fans like this? Really?

No, no they don't. When you consider that "Greatest Highlight" has been on every "SportsCenter" for a month, it would be a rather resounding failure for it not to show up somewhere. In our view, this is the same reason "Who's Now?" was the top searched term of 2007. We've discussed this before, but it warrants repeating:

ESPN is a corporation. As a corporation, their goal is to grow and make money. There is no crime in this; this is not an art project. But as most sports fans can tell you, even those of us who grow exhausted of the "Greatest Highlight" and "Who's Now" antics watch ESPN all the time. There is no viable competitor; if you're a sports fan who doesn't watch ESPN, you're really not much of a sports fan.

ESPN knows this. They know they have you; you aren't going anywhere. Because of this, they do not need to cater to you. To grow, they must bring in new viewers, people who are more casual sports fans, people who are more drawn in by the shiny objects of "controversy" and Dick Vitale. They're the ones who might think, hey ... I AM curious about how the world of sports intersects with the world of Hollywood! They are the new viewers; they are the people who discovered Nirvana way too late and ruined everything. (Note: We are one of these people, at least when it comes to Nirvana.) They are exactly the type of people who keep Chris Berman in our faces every night. And they're exactly the type of people who love the "Greatest Highlight;" people who, really, don't actually like sports that much.

So that's why, in our humble opinion, "Greatest Highlight" is the most searched term on ESPN.com. That, or the world is fucking collapsing all around us. Could be that.

I now realize that I also contributed to the downfall of Nirvana. Cobain, he gone.

Felix Pie has the Twisty Balls

Iowa Cubs fan may have to wait a while before Felix Pie (pronounced like the dessert) gets sent down. I'm taking this right for the cubs.com-

...outfielder Felix Pie missed a couple of days early because of a twisted testicle.

To paraphrase from Curb Your Enthusiasm's Leon Black, Pie must have some long ass balls.

Memo to Chip Carey: Speed does slump when your balls are in a knot.